Personal Account: They pushed me into this ideology and would have kept me there forever

The following story was contributed by Victoria who is now 13. CGR sought her mother’s permission to publish this story.

They pushed me into this ideology and would have kept me there forever

I somehow ended up here, typing this thing, contemplating life choices, and struggling with my mental health.

Let’s rewind to the beginning.

My name’s Vic… Victoria…? I live in Ontario and I attend the Catholic school system. I have struggled with my gender identity for a while and I only recently realized that I’m actually a biological female, who identifies, well, as a female. I’m extremely glad that I came to this realization before it was too late.  When I say too late, I mean medically transitioning which includes hormone therapy and any sex reassignment surgeries.

When I was younger, I was a bit of a tomboy, I loved sports and I had friends who were boys, but I had never experienced gender dysphoria. I loved dresses and I felt comfortable being a girl.

It all changed when Covid hit. I was in 4th grade at the time. That’s when my life started to go downhill. I started my period at 10 years old which is pretty young; I was isolated and I couldn’t see my friends; and I installed TikTok for the first time.

At the beginning, TikTok was a place where I posted videos of my pets, but that changed fast. I discovered the LGBTQ+ community and I started questioning my identity. At first, it was only my sexuality: pansexual, lesbian, maybe bi? After a few months on TikTok I was being constantly exposed to the transgender, or should I say trans-trender propaganda. “Are you anxious and uncomfortable with your body? You must be trans”. I was seeing these videos everywhere.

Are you anxious and uncomfortable with your body? You must be trans!

TikTok Trans Activist messaging

Transgender activists were actively posting videos about “safe” breast binding and how testosterone makes you feel euphoric. They claim it makes all your problems suddenly disappear. The more I was brainwashed by these videos, the more I started to resonate with them. I developed a nonbinary identity by the time I started grade 5. We were online on and off then and when we came to school after the new year, I came out to my best friend as a they/them. When a couple of months passed, I came out to the whole class, including my teacher. I cut my hair and tried to dress androgynous.

Everyone was supportive and accepting of my new identity. No one even bothered to question it. I told my parents about it; they clearly thought it was a phase and didn’t say much about it and continued to use my legal name and called me a girl. I didn’t have any gender dysphoria at that time either.

I was spending more time than ever on my phone during the summer break before grade 6. I started to think that my body wasn’t good enough and so I became a “boy”.

First day of grade 6, I came out as a “he/him” and once again everyone at school blindly supported me. This is not normal, considering that I went to a Catholic school where the education was supposed to be focused on religious teachings.

I was very depressed and hated my body for not being more masculine. I began self-harming and having suicidal thoughts. I ended up at the hospital for running away with the intention to end my life. The police officers, nurses, doctors, and psychiatrists all accepted that I’m a boy and never tried to dig up any underlying problems that might be causing these suicidal ideations. The psychiatrist said that my parents have to accept my self-proclaimed identity or else my mental health will get worse and I will kill myself. I was discharged without any mental health screenings that week.

Soon after that, my mom became concerned about my breast binding and took me to my family doctor. The doctor was clearly supportive of the trans ideology because she immediately asked for my preferred name and pronouns when I walked into her office. She told me and my mom that binding is perfectly healthy (which it isn’t) and asked me if I’m interested in learning about puberty blockers. Please don’t forget I was 11 years old. At that age I can’t make a conscious decision about medical interventions with an extremely high risk of life threatening side effects and that could make me unable to ever conceive a child. 

I learned that binding is dangerous because I was having trouble breathing. I also saw on the internet that binding can lead to bruising, broken ribs, collapsed lungs and a lot more. I read some stories on the internet where trans and detrans people were complaining about how painful it is to wear a binder. I acknowledged those risks but I continued to wear a binder because of my dysphoria. 

Similar mental health crises to the one that I previously talked about happened a few times that year. People drew the same conclusion every time: “Your child is a boy, you have to accept it or else things won’t get better”. My parents kept fighting for me, they kept telling me that I’m a girl and that I always will be one, but I was too indoctrinated to listen. My parents blocked TikTok from my phone. I didn’t get better, I only got worse. I secretly started watching trans “gurus” on YouTube without my parents’ knowledge.

I started Grade 7. The school principal allowed me to use the boys washroom, but I didn’t feel comfortable so I stuck with the gender neutral one. The principal also allowed me to use the boys’ change room for gym. I felt pretty comfortable considering that I changed in the stall. Before I started using that change room I asked all the boys in my class if they felt comfortable with me changing with them and all of them said yes. My parents were not informed about that and neither were the parents of the boys who used that change room with me. 

I was extremely uncomfortable with my body from the beginning of grade 7 and I started to have eating disorder symptoms. I had extreme social anxiety at school. I had a suicide attempt around that time because I “overate” and I was “fat” and “ugly”. When I was sent to the hospital, no one brought up anything about eating disorders. They only focused on the transgender part; just like they did every time. That was the last straw for me, even though I was only 12 I could see that something was clearly wrong, everything was centered around my gender, not the actual issues I was dealing with.  

I read the book Irreversible Damage by Abigail Shrier.  My Dad had bought the book for himself. He kept telling me that if I read the book I wouldn’t understand it and I’d be triggered by it. Those comments pushed me to read it. What’s the worst that can happen in such a conservative book? I was very skeptical at first, and yes, I did think it was transphobic at the beginning, but as I kept reading all of those detransition stories and how they became trans in the first place, I realized that I too was on the wrong path and I need to go back before I lose my family, or even my life. 

I started to go back to being a girl. I stopped binding my chest. I told my parents and they were overjoyed about the news. When I told my teacher she asked me if this was something that I really wanted or if my parents were pushing me to go back.

No one asked me if I was sure that I was a boy when I came out as trans, but now that I want to go back to my biological gender everyone is making sure that it’s what’s best for me! Weird, right?!

Well, my friend, that is propaganda at its fullest. I had a crisis a month later. I attempted suicide by overdosing and cutting. Thankfully it failed and I ended up at the hospital, again. I’m not trans anymore, so why am I doing this? Because my mental health issues were never resolved.

Now that the transgender shield was gone, I was properly assessed for mental health issues. Turns out I have bulimia/binge eating disorder, anxiety, and borderline personality traits.

In most stories that I’ve heard, mental health issues are a huge reason why teens become trans. Those kids and teens thought that since they are struggling with their mental health they need to find a community that will love and accept them no matter what. Another common reason is early puberty, when a young girl starts developing breasts and gets her period before her peers, that makes her feel uncomfortable in her body since it’s so different and it’s bringing unwanted attention from older men, she might want to get rid of her female body parts all together under the influence of social media.

There are countless different reasons why a young woman might want to transition, but most of them involve getting rid of her normal human struggles. Even if they don’t know it yet, subconsciously those are the main reasons why teenage girls decide to become boys. I acknowledge that a very small percentage of the population has actual gender dysphoria, but in the past 5 years the number of self-identified trans individuals doubled because of ROGD (Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria). People with ROGD experience the same dysphoria as real trans people but the treatment for ROGD should be different, it should be therapy and guidance, not puberty blockers, hormones and surgeries. 

I’m still struggling but making progress and I’m completely happy with being a female. I hope that by sharing my story we can spread the word that this generation is easily manipulated and the healthcare system wants to make money from vulnerable kids who don’t think about the negative consequences that can happen if they medically transition. 

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