Detransitioner account: I just wasn’t a typical girl

Emily’s story

I was born in Mississauga. I have what most people would think of as a normal family; a Mom, a Dad, and a brother. 

My big brother was important to me. When I was younger I hung around a lot of his friends. I was a bit of a tomboy. I’d wear my brother’s old clothes. My Mom thought this was a bit different; because I didn’t want to play with Barbies. My Mom thought I was a tomboy. I was interested in cars and things like that. 

When I was growing up, I hung out with mostly nerdy boys and tomboy girls. We loved foraging exploring outdoors, and playing computer games for fun. My Mom didn’t think too much about it and I was friends with everybody. I just wasn’t a typical girl.  

Then middle school happened. It was a really strange time for me because everyone else was going through puberty but I didn’t develop. I’m Asian and I have a pretty flat chest and almost no curves. It made me feel like I was an androgynous guy because women were supposed to be curvy. I saw other girls developing but it wasn’t happening for me the same way.

I saw other girls developing but it wasn’t happening for me the same way.

When I was in high school I met a girl that was transgender. She became trans and started to take medications and hormones. I thought, if that person can do that to turn into a boy, why can’t I? 

I came out at school as a boy. The principal got involved and asked my parents to come to school. My parents were told to just support it. I remember they were really confused: “Support this?!”. Mom was especially devastated. Dad was supportive in many ways in my life, but he was in the medical field and had experience with trans people and he thought that I’d grow out of it. 

Eventually, I did grow out of it. My Dad never expected me to be trans because he didn’t see symptoms of it when I was a child. His experience was that usually people have a strong cross-sex identity and often trauma in their lives who are trans. Dad thought I was influenced by other students but it was a long time before I could see that he was right. 

The most influential thing for me was seeing other students become trans. In high school, there was a GSA and I met so many people who were gay and trans, and that influenced me to become one of them. 

In university, I was pushed into hormones. This was in online communities. In these online communities for trans people, I was told that to be a true transgender person I must do hormones. I was 21 and I didn’t have a deep voice. The older people in the trans community that I looked up to told me that I needed to blend in more. 

I wouldn’t have listened to kids telling me this but because they were adults I listened to them. But I also discovered that these people were deluded and thought they were messengers from God. “Raymond” was another trans guy and has a popular YouTube channel. I found it through Tumblr and Facebook. 

On YouTube and other social media I saw all these transgender models that really look like guys and I was tired of being a tomboy because I felt like an outcast. All my life I didn’t like to do things that typical girls do. I started telling myself that maybe if I become a boy I’ll just be a normal guy. I was searching for belonging.

I tried low dose hormones and I took testosterone starting at age 21 for 18 months. I didn’t take them before because people told me I should wait until I’m an adult. My voice dropped significantly and I grew more body hair. I didn’t like the extra hair and I was constantly shaving it off. 

I started dating a girl who was “non-binary”. She had a very religious mom; a devout Catholic. She didn’t know that I was a girl because I looked so much like a boy with my clothes and hair. And I had a pretty flat chest naturally. But she told her daughter that our relationship couldn’t go any farther because I was an atheist. 

This family said I wasn’t able to date their daughter because I was against God. And I should seek God and I did. I got into church because I really loved this girl so much! 

From there, that’s when detransition started. The pandemic started and I couldn’t go to the Catholic church. So I found a different church that was very conservative, very different from a Catholic church. They told me that I should be treating my body like a temple and I should be treating it in a sacred way. 

I saw a video on the devastating effect of taking hormones on the body. I didn’t know that hormones could do that and that shook me. I didn’t want to risk going through that. 

Eventually, I stopped being transgender because I prayed to God. I asked to restart my life in the way that He wanted me to do it. 

I know now that I’m supposed to be a daughter of God. The church teaches that every person is either a son or daughter of God. I felt that I needed to be more in touch with who I really am. 

My trans identity was made up; it’s what I think I am, but what I actually am is a daughter. Everyone sees me as my parents’ daughter. I started to feel that I should see myself in the way that the world sees me and the way God sees me as His daughter. 

I was really good at pretending I was a guy. Eric. I liked to go by that name. But I couldn’t fool the church, in the end. I found this really good church and I enjoyed the people there. I wanted to keep attending the church and learning more about Christ. 

They had me go see the youth ministry at the church, and the girls there knew a lot about the doctrines of the church. They would go through a topic every week and talk about different concepts in the church like marriage and Genesis (how God made man male and female), and they explained these things in a loving way. 

I learned things: I learned that abortion was wrong, I learned that everyone is born exactly how God wanted them to be and I learned that mutilating a healthy body was wrong. 

When I think back about why I became trans it was because I was influenced by my friend who transitioned to be Chris. Before that I was comfortable that I’m a tomboy and I just called myself a tomboy up until then. 

I had a concussion recently and saw a Doctor who spent lots of time with me. I found out my dysphoria was really a pre-menstrual disorder. During menstrual time, I’d get really moody and some people even want to cut themselves. It can affect your psychological state but it may just be a normal women’s thing.

When I got off testosterone the extra hair went away. My voice has returned slightly and I’m training my voice so people don’t automatically think I’m a guy. 

Recently I went on natural estrogens. I saw a naturopath and got a gel and I use it on my body. I always wondered, why are my curves not growing? Now I look more like a woman and I’m happy with my body.

In the past, I guess tomboys didn’t have the option of being transgender. They weren’t exposed to GSA’s at school. The GSA advocate basically said that if you’re an outcast, not a typical girl or typical boy, then you might be this. You might be “trans”. All the tomboys joined the group. It was a follow-the-leader kind of thing. 

All of us ended up in the GSA thinking we were trans. One of the girls I know grew out of it. Some others are still like tomboys but they haven’t transitioned. Chris, the transguy who started the GSA and the whole movement seems like he’s struggling. He has an unkempt beard and looks like a homeless person. 

I think there’s a lot of propaganda out there. In the school environment it’s very liberal. They tell you everything is racist, there’s white supremacy, etc, etc. They put pronouns out there for everyone. I think they’re trying to be overly compassionate but they’re being irrational. 

I’m very keen to have a good life, with a loving family.

I’m very keen to have a good life, with a loving family. I think what causes a lot of depression and anxiety in our society is because people have lost their sense of family and family values. People who are close with God and close to their families are naturally what we’re drawn to. Of course people want to have a family with good financial status and love for your children. 

I hope my story can help people see how these pressures can affect kids, especially girls who are a little different.